May Patience Be with Me…

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She is too stubborn and I’m losing my patience. It’s very difficult, it’s very exhausting but I can’t complain I am her mother, and I need to be one. I love her so much that I am afraid she will grow with a very unpleasant attitude, but what I fear seems to be happening. For as long as I keep on reprimanding her it turns out she’s just getting worst. A very hard headed child, who wants to be followed all the time, I believe some mothers has same situation with mine. As what other would say she just got her mother’s attitude, I will agree with that for I am stubborn myself. I know she is just a child who needs constant understanding because she is just learning which is which and what is what. Exhausting as it seems but I entered this new phase of my life with open heart and mind, and I prepared myself for the possibilities of more chaos and laughter when growing a child. I know I am ready and I can do it.

I just need to calm when I am getting there in the peak of losing my patience for I know I could only hurt her, physically and emotionally. O dear God, please shower me with calmness, understanding, love and more patience because I love my daughter and I want to be a perfect mother she will ever have, I would want to hear any time in the future that she will say, “I am bless to have her as my mother”.

Money Matters

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Why do we need money? Of course it’s essential to let us purchase things we need and want. Money as they say keeps the world go round for some, for most unfortunate it’s the thing in the world they can’t easily have. For me it’s what I expect my partner will give every 15th and 30th day of the month. Yes his salary, for I don’t have my own, I’m just a plane mother who stays at home and watch over our kid.

Once I get the check I’ll have to sum up the payables and the expenses, doing such accounting is quite easy but learning how much you have to pay and how much left for you to spend for your necessities cause so much headaches. He is just a minimum wage earner but we need more than just the minimum. I have to work that’s  what my mind say, but I can’t leave my kid to just anyone else it will be a disaster she’s too stubborn and I am afraid no one can appease to her demands without getting irritated. Others probably thought I am being unreasonable, but that’s the truth I can’t leave her to her lola she can’t stand with her even for 15 minutes, she gets frustrated, tired and you’ll hear series of unsolicited complains. I can’t leave her to her Mamita, as much as she loves her so much but she also got work. I can’t trust a Yaya, I am afraid of the so many news regarding child abuses cause by yayas, I can’t let any hurt her or cause too much pain to her I could kill if that happens. But we need money, what can I do?

I was given an option to have an online job, but it will cost an amount of money to start. Then it comes again, how I will get a work when you need money to get a job. The cycle just keeps on going, where can I go? The so called Bombay is not an option for me to take, because I know if I do ill end just paying the interest all my life. I can’t ask a friend to lend me some money, I’m afraid they know I will have a hard time paying. Oh too much to think, too much burden to my already burdened life. Oh money why do I have to deal with you?

Anger inside me

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Why do i have to suffer pain and anger? To be with you means a lot of sacrifices, means a lot of patience, and i am starting to feel exhausted with what has always been happening. I know that i should not blame you, but i cant help it. The only thing that i want right now is to be away, to find peace and tranquility, so i can think and realize what is going on.

 

  Everynow and then i have to control my feelings, so that i wont create a scene, i wont hurt anyone emotionally atleast.  And i am having a hard time with this, i have to go out get a fresh air and keep on telling myself to calm down.  I dont want to change just to pleased somebody else, because if change and turn to someone they would want me to be it would no longer be me. I am old enough to know who i am, to know what i want, and do what i am used to do. Why cant they just be thankful if i cook an ordinary viand instead of mocking me and telling me that they got hungry because they cant eat what i cooked just because they dont eat, they didnt even give it a try before complaining. I got insulted, but i keep my calm, i keep patience, but deep inside i am angry.

 

I cannot keep a conversation with them without getting questioned of opinion, and making me feel i am wrong and they are right. Why cant they just respect it. And you dont shout at me or throw me your paycheck right after i asked why your late for dinner because i get insulted, and its making me angry but i have to hold on.

I dont want to wait for the time that i burst out and shout that its enough and i am angry, at least i want a peaceful exit to this problems.

And you i know that deep inside you would want us to move out, but we still cant, because we cannot afford it. Financially we are not okay, but i hope emotionally we are. I am ready for any difficulty as long as we are still together and we are still holding to each others strengths and love.

I hope we can make it and last till our hair turns gray.

Touched and Learned…

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I went home (tondo) just to have a different air to breathe. Looking for something to do i end up checking my brothers dvd rack, and saw that cd entitled “3 IDIOTS”. Out of nothing to do, i put it in the player and start watching. At first it was kinda confusing,then i laugh, cried, laugh again, cried again and in between i learned.

Yes, this movie made me realized the importance of making a choice, not as a result of what others would suggest you to do, but a choice of your own, a decision that will make you who you are in the future and will make you happy. I was inspired by the outlook of the main character, just learn things without the pressure of getting into the top or end up last on the list. Learn with your passion, live with it and you will not regret anything about it.

“Follow Excellence, and Success will Chase your Pants down”–3idiots